ohbloodytyty's Journal

7:05pm: Fucking thanks alot
UNWRITTEN LAW

"Save Me"

Had a bad day, don't talk to me,
gonna ride this out,
My little black heart, breaks apart,
with your big mouth.

And I'm sick of my sickness
Don't touch me, you'll get this.
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,
and you hate me.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wakeup call,
And everything, everything's my fault.

Went to the doctor, and I asked her,
to make this stop. (whoa)
Got medication, a new addiction,
Fucking thanks a lot.

I had to relapse, I'm bad at rehabs
It ruins everything. (whoa)
So point your finger, at the singer,
He's in the pharmacy.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,
and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't blame me,
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,
and everything, and everything's my fault.

And I'm a death threat haven't slept yet,
Baby why the wake up call
I'm the bad boy tell the tabloids
everything's my fault.

Whoa whoa whoa yeah, write it write it,
Whoa Whoa whoa everything's my fault,
everything's my fault.

I went to heaven, but couldn't get in,
For what I have done.
I said please take me, they said you're crazy
you had too much fun.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
Well I'm waiting for my wake up call,
and everything's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't blame me,
Well I'm waiting here to take a fall,
and everything, everything's my fault.

You can't save me,
You can't change me,
You can't save me,
You can't change me,
You can't save me,
You can't change me,
You can't save me,
You can't change me,

















.........Everythings my fault.

9:03pm: Hm.
Today was good. Worked for the 14 th day in a row.

I hate that I will always be connected to certain people.

12:37pm: Dark side of the moon.
Just bought and am listening to the dark side of the moon album. Fanfuckingtastic album.

I've got a good bit of money saved and probation is over in two to three weeks.

Been working about 55 hours per week.

I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind last night on HBO randomly. It reminded me of a girl I used to know.

Reading alot of Stephen King lately...good books.

School starts soon.

11:09pm: Life is good.
I learned how to spin lights, it is incredible fun.

I fished today, and caught nothing. Sadly.

Yesterday my mom gave me my early birthday present, which was two hundred dollars worth of clothing at Pac Sun. I like alot of the stuff I got, and I put my two left earrings back in, bringing the grand total back up to three. I also got a pair of Vans, which I absolutely love. My feet don't ache in these shoes, which is amazingly good.

Can't wait for school to start.

Probation is almost over.

Work is great.

Panama City offers many attractive women.

One in particular I am interested in is this girl April..who is also a Taurus. She works at the goodwill where I do my community service. I was looking at her the other day and found myself looking at her like I actually cared about her. She noticed, and told me not to look at her like that. When I asked why...she said "because your eyes make me melt". They love the blue eyes. Her eyes are a gold-ish kind of yellow. She's also a marijuana lover, which couldn't be more perfect.

Plus I was born in April. Not a big deal I know, but random facts.

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, don’t help them to bury the light
Don’t give in without a fight.

Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
Hey you, with you ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I’m coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you’re told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.

9:49pm: Things are going well.
1. Probation is almost over, and I will be free of the law

2. I am working about 45 hours weekly

3. I wake up at 8 am now, as opposed to 8 pm.

4. I am happier than I have been in a while

5. I will be attending school in the summer

But the most wonderful thing about my life is that I am dead to her.

9:00pm: Back in Black.
Back in Florida, here to stay.

10:22pm: Yeah why won't you ever learn.
Everclear

You put yourself in stupid places
Yes I think you know it’s true
Situations where it’s easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim
Almost every single day

You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be
Everything to everyone

Yeah you do it again
You always do it again

You say they taught you how to read and write
Yeah, they taught you how to count
I say they taught you how to buy and sell
Your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact
That the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down

You do what you do
You say what you say
You always try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone

Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah why don’t you ever learn
Spin around and fall down, do it again
Yeah, you stumble and you fall
I wonder if you will ever learn

Why won’t you ever learn

Come on now, do that stupid dance for me

You do what they tell you to do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You jump through the big hoop
You play all the right games
You try to be everything to everyone

Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah you do it again
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall

5:30pm: Regret.
Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I've written, never meaning to send
Beauty I'd always missed, with these eyes before
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore
'Cause I love you, yes I love you, oh, how I love you

Gazing at people, some hand in hand
Just what I'm going through they can't understand
Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend
Just what you want to be, you will be in the end
And I love you, yes I love you
Oh, how I love you, oh, how I love you

Nights in white satin, never reaching the end
Letters I've written, never meaning to send
Beauty I'd always missed, with these eyes before
Just what the truth is, I can't say anymore
'Cause I love you, yes I love you
Oh, how I love you, oh, how I love you

'Cause I love you, yes I love you
Oh, how I love you, oh, how I love you

Breathe deep in the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day's useless energy's spent
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her sun
Senior citizens wish they were young
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is grey and yellow white
And we decide which is right
And which is an illusion?

5:43pm: So very very bored.
I think I start my job next week. Thank God. I can't take one more day of just sitting around this house doing nothing. Granted I've got friends to hang out with, but it's really cold up here and there isn't a whole lot to do.

Thank god for happy goodbyes.

Look at the stars....

You know...
You know I love you so.

7:54pm: Oh how I love a good coward.
Fuck up another pretty girls mind you say?

I assume whoever you are, you mean her.

Well listen up.

You obviously don't know fucking shit. You don't know me. You don't know the pain that girl is capable of inflicting, or the love. Over the past months I have been through more than I have in my entire fucking life. When she cuts, she cuts deep. She knows where to hit where it hurts, and she doesn't feel remorse for the kind of pain she inflicts. She is heartless, and unforgiving.

The people that stood by and watched our relationship fall apart know I tried everything I could. I tried. She doesn't know anything but misery, though. I couldn't make her happy like I wanted to. I know I fucked up and made mistakes along the way, but she made me pay for taking her virginity the entirety of our relationship. We never had a chance, not even from the start. She NEVER forgave me.

I know I fucked her up when I was seventeen, and I am sorry for what I did. I tried to make it right. I loved her so much. Believe me, I can't pay anymore than what I already have. So just leave me alone, and let me be in peace. The past is gone, and dead. Much like my heart.

I'm curious to see if you have the balls to post a comment that isn't anonymous, you coward.

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I'VE DONE
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so...

Just let the past die.

11:28pm: Camlynn and Carrie.
So I have some interesting and exciting news.

There are two girls I'm somewhat interested in. Carrie, and Camlynn. I think irony is defined in this Carrie girl. She is a seventeen year old virgin. That's right, the same age at which I met the girl who would later ruin me as a person.

Carrie is young, I mean only 17, and innocent. Furthermore as history suggests the name is evil, and will only bring about pain on my end. We'll have to see how things go, but Carrie appears to be very into me. But she's just so young..

Then theres Camlynn. I know Camlynn is into me, and I'm definitely liking her so far. She's intelligent, cute, and all the things I love about girls. She's 18. Still fairly young, but at least legal. I guess I'd have to say I'm more than just slightly interested in Camlynn, I can see her being my next conquest type thing.

Camlynn is spening the night this weekend.

Life is pretty damn decent right now.

3:59am: Late night, can't sleep.
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything, that I knew
You were the one I loved
The one I tried to hold on to
For so long

Mara isn't coming home tonight, leaving me with an empty apartment. I just put on "A knight's tale", and hopefully I'll fall asleep soon. In the mean time I'll tell you about strange evening last night.

It was about midnight when my friend Vanessa called to tell me that her husband was freaking out or something to that effect. She called the police, meanwhile her brother Derek came to pick me up. When we got there, he was gone, and she wasn't in a very good state of mind. Shawn took off after being told by Vanessa that she wanted a divorce. The cops searched the property and nearby area, but no luck finding Shawn thus far.

As the evening progressed, I grew tired and was planning on heading into sleepy land. Vanessa then, unexpectedly, told me that she's been in love with me for two years, the entire length of her marriage to Shawn. I told someone once out of the blue I was in love with them, and now I completely know how it feels. I didn't know what to say really, except that I wasn't in any condition to be in a relationship after the way the past six months have gone.

I don't have feelings for her. It's flattering, and somewhat messed up, but I just don't. I gave my heart away a while ago, and have yet to get in back in the mail. Perhaps it was sent to the wrong house? Perhaps I'll never get it back. Perhaps it was never sent. Either way, I didn't end up falling asleep until nine o'clock this morning. Now I feel sick, probably from the lack of sleep. I feel a cold coming on, which is absolutely no good.

So far, that job I was promised has yet to come through. As each day passes, I'm beginning to think I wasn't supposed to ever come to Oklahoma. Granted, I have made some great friends, and it's beautiful here. I just need a job....badly. I have things to pay, and I'll never become a history teacher unless I get on my feet. So wish me luck, and pray to who ever that I get this freaking job.

*Yaawwwwwwwwwwwwwn*

1:51pm: I think your dreaming....til I see Marianne walk away
Good morning one and all.

Today I must call my probation officer and speak with her about my community service hours. Hopefully Adolf's wife will be gentle with me. I leave you with a beautiful, wonderful song.

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, don’t help them to bury the light
Don’t give in without a fight.

Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
Hey you, with you ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I’m coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you’re told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.

Well, only got an hour of daylight left. better get started
Isnt it unsafe to travel at night?
It’ll be a lot less safe to stay here. you’re father’s gonna pick up our trail before long
Can loca ride?
Yeah, I can ride... magaret, time to go! maigret, thank you for everything
Goodbye chenga
Goodbye miss ...
I’ll be back

......I'll be back.

1:01am: Quick update on my life.
I haven't been doing much of anything as of late. I've exhuasted all possible job opportunities in the small town that I live in. I spend the majority of my time hanging out with my friends Kevin and Sarah. My roommate Mara has been great throughout this whole thing, and I owe her a ton of thanks for everything she has helped me with. Below is a list of things I need to accomplish this year.

1. Get a solid paying job
2. Get in school so I can become a history teacher inevitably
3. Pay off all court costs I still owe and complete my probation
4. Meet a wonderfully sweet girl and start life all over

So I just put Braveheart in, this movie never seems to get old.

Does anyone still read this thing?

5:19pm: Fork in the road.
So I've decided that if by some miracle I don't get the job I've been promised, I will
be moving to Panama City, Florida, with my parents. Hopefully things will work out as planned and I'll be able to get a job up here and get back on my feet. If not, I'll at least get to spend some quality time with my family, and see some white sandy beaches. I'll also get to take part in my little brothers life, something that has been on my concious for a while now. I mean, I am his older brother, I should be able to help him out a little with stuff he's going through at his age, I just went through it not so long ago.

So this morning I got up, and Vanessa and Mara were baking cookies. Twelve dozen cookies to be exact. So if anyone has cookie monsters number, we should give him a call and tell him to come over because we have waaayyy to many.

I had an interesting dream last night, it went as follows.

The first half of the dream involved the heartless one, so we won't go ito that.

The second half of the dream however, was about my dear friend Galen.

I happen upon a party somehow...and my friend Titus is there. He makes mention that Galen is here, not knowing I hold a vendetta against him. I walk around to the back, and find Galen in the pool with some girl. He walks up to me, to shake my hand. I spit in his face, and attack him. He's down pretty quickly, and we somehow end up in the pool. I lock him into a sleeper hold, and he's being choked out. I whisper in his ear "I could kill you right now, if I wanted" and then I let him go, only to punch him a few more times.

Then I wake up.

I wish these dreams would just go away.

You never existed to me.

2:19am: Time to let go.
I've been pondering this for the last few hours, sitting outside. It's a beautiful night out, just the right temperature and the right amount of wind. Sometimes life is funny, you really can't tell what to expect at any given time. I've made a new years resoluation, so this will be the last time I ever talk about her.

Why should I care? I shouldn't, I have been given nothing but pain by her. Not the kind of pain that goes away in a few days, or even a few weeks. No, the kind of pain that never goes away fully. The kind of pain where the woman you love sleeps with your best friend and lies to you about it. That kind of pain. Obviously not a very good friend, or a very good girl to love.

So here is my new years resoluation.

This year I will completely forget about Carrie Anne Scheets. She will never have existed to me, she will become a fading memory. I will no longer give her my thoughts, or my tears. I am sincerely and utterly done. I'm finally at the same place Johny is. I just don't care anymore. I don't want to be friends, I don't want her to call, I don't want anything more to do with someone who is capable of such selfishness. It's time to forget all about her, it's time to fall in love all over again. It's time to forget that she ever existed.

Goodybe for good, and good riddens.

Oh and fuck Coldplay.

10:21pm: One love.
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

Next song.

"With Or Without You"

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she's got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
With or without you

Final song.

Come up to meet you, Tell you I'm sorry, You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let's go back to the start

Running in circles, Coming our tails, Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessing, At numbers and figures, Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start

Running in circles, Chasing our tails, Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

I sit in my room, listening to Unchained Melody, surrounded by candlelight. A new year, full of similar pain and the same sad people. "Get it together, you pussy" I tell myself.
same sad people. The same dreams haunt me each night, allowing pure rest to be impossible. Right now, I'd like to pour my insides out, but my pride tells me not to let her have the satisfaction. I'm beginning to think I enjoy the emotional pain I somehow manage to inflict upon myself over and over again. Nothing is real. Why are we here? There's no purpose, no plan. No design or guideline to follow, just a cold, empty world.

And we'll all float on....okay?

4:10pm: Relieved.
Bob Marley - No woman No cry.

No, woman, no cry,
No, woman, no cry,
No, woman, no cry,
No, woman, no cry

She has cried too many times since I met her.

Said - said - said:
I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown,
Oba - observing the hypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet.

Life is full of hypocrites. I remember sitting with her.

Good friends we have, oh, good friends we've lost
Along the way.

I've lost too many.

In this great future, you can't forget your past,
So dry your tears, I say.

The past makes us who we are today.

No, woman, no cry,
No, woman, no cry.
Here, little darlin', don't shed no tears:
No, woman, no cry.

There is so much to be misrable about though..

Said - said - said:
I remember when-a we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown.
And then Georgie would make the fire lights,
As it was logwood burnin' through the nights.
Then we would cook cornmeal porridge,
Of which I'll share with you,
My feet is my only carriage,
So I've got to push on through.
But while I'm gone, I mean:
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right!
I said, everything's gonna be all right-a!
Everything's gonna be all right!
Everything's gonna be all right, now!
Everything's gonna be all right!


So, woman, no cry,
No - no, woman - woman, no cry.
Woman, little sister, don't shed no tears,
No, woman, no cry.


Guitar solo


I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown.
And then Georgie would make the fire lights,
As it was logwood burnin' through the nights.
Then we would cook cornmeal porridge,
Of which I'll share with you,
My feet is my only carriage,
So I've got to push on through.
But while I'm gone:


No, woman, no cry,
No, woman, no cry.
Woman, little darlin', say don't shed no tears,
No, woman, no cry.


Eh!
Little darlin', don't shed no tears!
No, woman, no cry.
Little sister, don't shed no tears!
No, woman, no cry.

Life is so different now?
Who am I?

12:48pm: Hoorah.
Todays Agenda

1. Go with Vanessa and help her take her three kids to the doctor while her husband works *shoots self*
2. Pack up eevvvvvvvvvvvverything in this house and get ready to move it all Monday
3. Get some MJ because I have been without for over a day now, and I'm getting ANGRY!
4. Go see the new house and enjoy Oklahoma Weather
5. Find myself some sweet little country girl to mend my broken heart

YAHTZEE!

Danielle = sexy beytoch.

3:23am: So tired without her.
Carrie Anne. She doesn't like when I call her that. When I first got here, I unpacked
all of my things and set them in my room. I immediately pulled out the few things I have
that still remind me of her. Her picture. She has the face of an angel. I've never been
more attracted to any girl in my entire life. She has the face of an angel. I remember
staying up so late talking to her while she layed next to me in my bed. I love her so.
On a few occasions I made her laugh playing the "animal" game with her. I love her laugh.
I loathe every guy that touches her. I still think of her as mine. They don't love her, why
should they get to experience something so wonderful???!! Fuck them. I'd shoot every one
of them in the face if I had the chance to. Go away anger..jealousy.

I don't know what she likes me to call her anymore. She doesn't like when I call her care-bear
either. Maybe she likes when I call her love? Or sweetheart? Or angel? Or sweetness? Maybe she
likes when I call her my first love.

She hates me now. I hate myself. I've never missed anything more than her. Nothing. My dreams
won't go away. Every time I see her in my dreams I cry tears of love for her. She must have
taken my heart back with her to South Florida because I just don't feel okay.

One of the little girls I live with has hair like her, and when I noticed that I almost lost
it I miss her so much. Little things like her hair, she has such soft curly hair. She hates
to wear it down, but she looks so beautiful when she does.

She has elven ears.

She smells like heaven.

She is so soft.

She loves chinese food.

She loves the color blue.

She is ticklish around her hips.

She is a wonderful kisser.

She massages my back during certain events.

She calls me TyTy.

She adores the band the Get up Kids.

God knows why.

She hates me.

She hates me.

She hates me.

She hates me.

She hates me.

And she will forever.

12:15am: Deleted entry.
I deleted the entry of the song insulting Carrie. I'm very angry with her yes, but more
than angry I love her. I love you Carrie. I love you Carrie. I love you Carrie. I'm so sorry
about everything.

I'm going to go smoke myself into oblivian because I cannot deal with the fact that Carrie
hooked up with a guy she barely even talked to.

Someone shoot me in the fucking face.

I love you so much Carrie.

12:03am: Dreams of Carrie.
I finally see her, right before me. My eyes instantly fill with tears as I look upon her
and realize how much I love her. She falls right into my arms where she belongs, and I
hold her as close as physically possible. I pour out my heart to her and tell her how much
I have missed her, all the while kissing her and telling her I love her.

Just a dream.

The Cranberries - When your gone

Hold on to love,
that is what I do
Now that I've found you
And from above,
everything's stinking
When they're not around you

And in the night,
I could be helpless
I could be lonely,
sleeping without you
And in the day,
everything's complex
There's nothing simple,
when I'm not around you

But I miss you when you're gone
That is what I do, Hey Baby
And it's going to carry on,
That is what I knew, hey, Baby

Hold on to my hands
I feel I'm sinking,
sinking without you
And to my mind,
everything's stinking
Stinking without you

And in the night,
I could be helpless
I could be lonely,
sleeping without you
And in the day,
everything's complex
There's nothing simple,
when I'm not around you

And I miss you when you're gone
That is what I do, hey, Baby
And it's going to carry on
That is what I do, hey, Baby

3:01pm: Journey to the mall.
Today I travelled to the mall in search for pills. Not for me, for a friend. I was just
alont for the ride. Anyways, things were pretty uneventful, except that I went to the
cajun cafe and got myself some really good bourbon chicken. Now I sit at home, smoking.

Oh what was everything.

Oh yeah..watched High Fidelity last night again. I relate to the movie all too well.

Peace.

12:58pm: Yawn.
Just woke up. Hopefully something great will happen today. I have a date tonight.
Wish me luck.

5:52am: Random thoughts by me.
A cold, sad, bitter world.
The stale taste of smoke.
True love burned to ashes.
Thoughts of her consume all.
The sweet aroma of her affection.
She feels divine.
Her kisses wash away my misery.
Everything about her now is flawless.
I wrap my arms around her.
She must have been created for me.
Memories of a love already fading.
The pain is real now.
The loss, forever.
I lie awake, alone.
Sleep strangles it's fingers around my neck.
I beg and plead for lost dreams of her love.
Nightmares torment and torture me.
Moonlight fills my room as I wake.
I search for her.
She is gone forever.


It feels good to write down what you feel. Now I go to make that, reality.